Have you ever wondered why people avoid love? The obvious response would be ‘it’s not easy and to avoid getting hurt’. Is it really difficult to be in love, or does it just appear difficult?
These were the thoughts that enveloped me as my roommate stumped out of the door looking melancholic saying “Love is hard, I just can’t love”. Can she really not, or is she just avoiding it?
She has literally avoided a guy she is starting to like because she believes love is difficult and she does not want to fall in love. As a result, avoid it.
Many of us can probably identify with this because we share the same mindset. It’s what I call the philophobic mindset. Not everyone believes, as we often hear, that love is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Love is more like fireworks than hearts, rainbows, soft pinks, and reds. It is thrilling, aggressive, surprising, and frightening.
So I’m not here to tell you it’s easy, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that it is one of the most beautiful things in the world. According to the researchers, love is essential to living a happy and fulfilling life.
Love is a complex set of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs that are associated with strong feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth, and respect for another person.
According to Merriam Webster, it is a strong feeling of affection and concern for another person, such as that resulting from kinship or close friendship. It is a strong feeling accompanied by a strong desire for another person from a romantic standpoint.
People avoid it because it can appear difficult depending on the perspective from which it is viewed. Of course, it’s a fantastic feeling, but who said life was a bed of roses?
But then I ask myself, is love really that difficult, or is it loving the wrong person and being in the wrong relationship that is the real issue, because it is a sad thing in life when you meet someone who means a lot to you only to discover that it was never meant to be and you must let go. This alone makes love difficult and frightening.
Why Do People Avoid Love?
There are numerous factors or reasons that can make love appear difficult, causing people to avoid it. Some examples are:
1. Unrequited affection
After much thought, I would say that loving is not difficult, but loving someone who does not love you back can make love appear difficult, and when love becomes difficult, people naturally shy away from it to avoid being hurt.
This is referred to as unrequited love, which is defined as something that is not shared or returned by another person. This is one of the understandable reasons why people avoid love.
Unrequited love is one of the most agonizing experiences. It’s like hugging a cactus: the tighter you hold it, the more it hurts.
Unfortunately for us, unrequited love is not something we can choose to avoid; it is almost always bound to happen to someone because, as we all know, a large number of people can love one person but that one person cannot love them all, so someone is bound to be hurt in some way.
The perplexing aspect of it all is that even those who are being hurt by someone are most likely also hurting someone else. Isn’t it amusing? That’s love, and that’s life.
It would have been a much better world if everyone could simply love someone who would love them back. It wouldn’t seem so difficult if it were always so loving, would it?
When it comes to love, unrequited love often instills fear in us. Fear can manifest itself in one of two ways:
Rejection Fear
“Emeka, you like her so much, why haven’t you made a move?” I asked. “What’s the point?” he replied, “she probably won’t like me back.” But what if she does?
….
There is technically no way around it: rejection hurts. Some people die in silence, keeping their love hidden for fear of rejection. Because not everyone knows how to handle rejection properly, they avoid love and see it as difficult even when they are not trying. True, it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone and never find the courage to tell that person how you feel.
Heartbreak Fear
The fear of heartbreak is often referred to as philophobia, which is defined by the fear of falling in love or falling out of love. The word originates from Greek “filos” which means ‘loving or beloved’. Individuals who suffer from this phobia are afraid of falling in love or developing emotional attachments of any kind.
The fear of heartbreak is usually the result of previous experience. Fear of commitment stemming from a few failed relationships, as well as constant negative thoughts, anxiety, and panic disorder. Some people have probably had their hearts broken before by someone else, so they find it difficult to open up to another because they are afraid it will all fall apart, and even when they do open up and are in a relationship, they find it difficult to maintain it, so they avoid love. People who are deeply afraid of rejection frequently believe they must give up themselves in order to avoid rejection.
2. Vulnerability
To be vulnerable means to be sensitive and prone to injury, to be open to attack or damage. Essentially, vulnerability entails losing yourself, and this is what some people fear: being placed in a position where they can’t help themselves or be in control.
Often, this is the problem of people who try to control their emotions, forgetting that in order to love, you must be willing to embrace vulnerability, because love is giving them the power to destroy you while trusting them not to.
Those who have this fear usually pose as extreme lovers who are afraid of losing themselves in the process of loving someone so much that they forget they are special. As a result, they are afraid of losing themselves in the relationship.
And, in my experience, the more you like someone, the greater your fear of engulfment and commitment becomes. As a result, you avoid love not because you don’t love, but because you are afraid of loving too much. People like this frequently struggle to maintain relationships.
3. Problems with Trust
In this context, I’d like to combine trust and insecurity concerns. Some people have trust issues and become uncomfortably insecure for no apparent reason. Suspicious without a sufficient basis and even when there is no reason to suspect. People with paranoid personality disorder are characterized by distrust and excessive suspicion.
People with a paranoid personality disorder, which is characterized by distrust, frequently doubt everything about others, which can be very disruptive in a relationship. People in this category often avoid love because they are always looking for the why, the patches, and the hidden motive because they are extra vigilant. Even when they are in a relationship, they frequently destroy it or flee due to paranoia.
4. Historical context
Some people may not be afraid of any of these things, and they may not have been victims of a heinous past, but they still avoid love and wonder.
We frequently fail to recognize that our background, home, and upbringing all play a role in shaping us as adults. Parents’ love and marriage life can have a positive or negative impact on their children.
Families either directly or indirectly influence values and expectations.
When children observe their parents’ actions and love lives, they can learn directly or indirectly.
Childhood development is critical to our emotional growth. When a person grows up in an environment that lacks love and togetherness, they may become afraid of it and run away from it.
5. Low self-esteem
is one of the most self-inflicted reasons people avoid love. Everyone experiences low self-esteem at some point in their lives. Low self-esteem is the number one impediment to having an authentic, reciprocal relationship.
How can you believe a loving partner would choose you if you don’t believe you’re good enough? Low self-esteem can cause you to test or sabotage potential relationships, or settle for relationships in which you are treated in a way that corresponds to your beliefs about yourself. In fact, low self-esteem often prevents you from even attempting to fall in love.
People who have low self-esteem believe that others will not love them because they are not good enough, so they close the door to love.
Let’s look at how to overcome the reasons why people run away from love after we’ve looked at the reasons why people run away from love.
How to Overcome the Fear of Running Away from Love
1. Be Your True Self
Being yourself entails not only being true to who you are, but also accepting yourself for who you are. How can you expect someone else to accept you if you can’t accept yourself? Being yourself, as well as accepting yourself, entails accepting your flaws, because striving for perfection leads to unhappiness.
2. Respect yourself
It is not enough to be yourself and accept yourself; you must also, and most importantly, love yourself. One of the most important types of love is self-love.
Self-love breeds confidence, and confidence breeds fear of rejection because you’ve agreed with yourself that rejection doesn’t diminish your awesomeness. Self-love is what propels you to that level of self-assurance.
3. Reconsider Rejection
They say that rejection is “pushing someone or something away,” but what if we add “into something much better” to that definition?
What if we look at it as an opportunity for self-discovery and growth, and recognize that it is a universal experience that will occur at some point in each of our lives?
That person you’re afraid will reject you is probably afraid of being rejected by someone else. So, unwind.
4. Confront Your Fears
How long do you think you can continue to run away from your fears? Do you believe you can avoid love indefinitely? Lol. Well, love is a never-ending circle that always returns you to where you started.
So why waste time when you can confront your fears and learn new ways to deal with love and relationships? Why don’t you learn and grow stronger because you can’t run forever?
5. Make space for healing
Healing is about regaining control of yourself and healing from past wounds as well as negative childhood experiences because when we have truly healed from past wounds and negative childhood experiences, we do not allow them to dictate, control, and define us.
Always remember that people differ, so do not suffer for the wrongdoings of others, and do not inflict pain on an innocent person. Always remember that God may want you to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when you do meet the right one, you will know how to be grateful for that gift.
6. Modify your mindset
Remember my friend who constantly complained about how difficult it is to love? She had already developed a mindset that made her avoid love and refuse to even give it a chance.
The mindset you have about love has an effect on both you and your love life. When you change your mindset and maintain a positive attitude toward love, you will be able to overcome any fear you may have of it.
7. Do not have unrealistic expectations.
Expectation breeds disappointment. We are often overly expectant and focus on the love we want to receive rather than what we have to offer. When you train yourself not to expect too much, you reduce your chances of being seriously injured.
Of course, it could still hurt, but not as badly. You must understand that giving someone all of your love does not guarantee that they will love you back; instead, wait for love to grow in their hearts, but if it does not, be content that it grew in yours, and with that, you begin to love more healthily while gradually overcoming your fear.
“The mother of disappointment is expectation.” Dolly McCottney
Finally, I’m sure you know where you fall and what to do at this point. There’s no reason to avoid love; it’s not as difficult as it appears.
Please share your thoughts if you believe I missed any major reasons why people avoid love.